Featured Writer: Kari Langslet
Sex & Relationships When You're a Grown-Ass Woman
Kari Langslet shares her thoughts about sexual double standards, and poses the question “When is it time to put your partner in a hog-tie?"
Somehow in 2016 we have managed to regress back to a completely oppressive puritanical society. The double standard between men and women in regards to sex still exists when it should have been obliterated years ago. Our voices, all of our voices, need to help bring down this abstinence regime. How do we do this? By discussing sex and relationships as a Grown-Ass Woman.
I remember my sophomore year at university, when I was walking with a male acquaintance of mine from one Halloween party to another. We had been sent out to get some more beer and vodka, which was easy for me with my shitty fake ID (thanks creepy guy from Seaside with a DMV machine). The subject came up about the amount of sexual partners we had. Now even though I didn't quite know this guy, I am open and unashamed of my sexual history; I own it. He told me he'd slept with upwards of 30-40 women; I replied that I had slept with 10 guys. "Ugh, I could NEVER marry anyone who had sex with ten dudes! That's waaaaay too much! Gross." He indignantly said. This perplexed me. "Didn't you JUST SAY that you've had sex with 30 plus girls? How can you say that?" "It's different," he replied, "I'm a guy." I had thought that at a university—a supposedly liberal one at that—double standards about sex would be less prevalent. If one is having safe, consensual sex, what's the big deal? Why does a number automatically negate any marital future for a woman?
Now, not all of the guys at UC Davis thought that way, but it was still an alarming amount. I never spoke to that boy again after our booze run (Damn!). I'm not going to say how many years ago this was as to not date myself, but this seems to still be "a thing," even today, in much of this country. New York City is a bit better about sex and sexuality than most other places in the US in general—we are a culture of drinking, eating, art and safe fucking. Several of my favorite bars have bowls of condoms next to the door for amorous couples to stay safe. Maybe that's why I love it here. I don't know.
New York is not only open sexually, but it is also the best city in the world for dating. Well, that's if one plans on staying single or finding temporary cuddle buddies throughout different seasons. New York isn't quite an environment conducive to fostering purposeful romantic relationships with any sort of longevity, but that's fine with me. Not only are there about 50,000 total foxes congregating around my stoop and subway stop every time I leave home, there's Tinder, Happn, 3nder and a bevvy of other dating apps that let you filter through the No's and Alright's to get to a potential love interest. Sex has never been easier if that's what you're going for. I've regularly been on three dates in one day with different guys: coffee and dog walking dates in the morning, après work drinks in the afternoon, and after dinner drinks at a sticky dive bar over dare Jenga and cheesy poofs.
I have no rules for when it's "okay" or "acceptable" to sleep with a new partner. There is no "Three Date" minimum or exclusivity clause with my vagina—all I can say is that typically I won't go home with someone the first night. There isn't anything wrong with two consenting adults having sexytime after knowing each other only long enough to get a hard-on; I support that. Personally, I like to have some sort of connection (not to be confused with feelings) to a person, and be completely comfortable and uninhibited when it comes to sex. I've had a handful of one night stands that I just didn't get anything out of, even if the date itself went well. That type of connection typically doesn't happen for me on the first hang out. The rare occasion that it has I've definitely gone for it; everyone needs a little random fun once in awhile. It's a great stress reliever. Sex and masturbation are healthier for a person than multivitamins. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
The biggest issue for me is not when or how I come to sleep with someone new, but rather whether this a person I can get weird with. And how weird? I don't know if other women or men feel the same, but I have different types of sex with different people. I briefly dated this guy one year ago after a breakup, and while we had really good sex, I just didn't feel like he was the type of person that would be sexy choking me out. Or tied up. Or....anything outside of a dimly lit studio. He even said to me one day, "I know you do crazy stuff with other people, why don't you do it with me?" I didn't know how to answer that. Was it because in my mental 2016 I viewed him as too puritanical? Or was it because English wasn't his first language and maybe the safe word would be lost in translation? I suppose this is a topic for a whole different article. Stay tuned for "Sex and the Modern Woman: When is it Time to Put Your Partner in a Hog-tie?" Have fun and be safe out there, ladies. Go get some consensual genitalia!